Mari L.: Growthmaker

100 Changemakers for 100 days of BFRB Awareness

100 Changemakers for BFRB Awareness

I really thought about whether I should nominate myself or someone else for this. I thought it would be kinder of me to nominate someone else, they probably deserve it more, have something more powerful to share, etc. But also, we are all the best at telling our own stories. So in the end I decided to go with myself.


I would say that my dermatillomania started with puberty, but I’m not really sure. All I know is that once I started high school I could not keep my hands off of my face. I’d space out in class and pick until I was dabbing blood with my sweater sleeves, or little bits of paper I ripped out of my notebooks. Then I’d get home and rush to the mirror to “inspect the damage,” but really it was to pick off any scabs that had formed throughout the day. I saw so many dermatologists, but not one of them mentioned dermatillomania. The problem was always acne. That’s probably why the creams and antibiotics never worked! I wished it away so often. I thought that if I could just get rid of the scabs, everything would fall into place. I’d be beautiful, I’d be confident, I’d be able to make meaningful friendships. 


I’ll be honest, it got so much easier to manage in college. Maybe it was that I had a better social system, I wasn't quite as overwhelmed with homework, I started exercising, I was away from home. Who knows. I started bringing fidgets to class to occupy my hands during lectures, and I didn’t find myself drawn to the mirror when I got home, and I just felt better about myself in general. It was kind of a chicken or the egg scenario. I gained confidence and my picking got better, and those things happened at the same time. 


I only learned about BFRBs because I took an internship with HabitAware in college. I didn’t really get it, at first. Really long clinical names like “dermatillomania” felt cold and scientific. It wasn’t until I realized I was seeing myself in everyone’s stories that I was like, “oh, this sounds really familiar.” I am still working with HabitAware 6 years later. I still usually stay a background supporter, though! 


I think that the change that I made that impacted me the most while I was healing from dermatillomania was not that I started bringing fidgets to class, or looked in the mirror less, or that my wish that it went away finally came true. I think it was that I changed how I thought about myself. I stopped looking for perfection, and realized that wishing things away didn’t come from a place of hope, it came from a place of desperation and it made me feel like crap. I decided that it was more productive to take baby steps and work with what I’ve got. I knew that if I could just improve a little, every day, I would go a long way without even realizing it. Looking back, there’s definitely been bumps in the road. As I struggle with insomnia and stress, I find my fingers wandering, hoping to find relief. Now, though, I’m able to take a deep breath and recognize that this is my subconscious mind feeling uncomfortable, and asking me to take care of myself. I look back to high school, now over 10 years ago when I was at my lowest, and I am really, really proud of not how much I’ve changed (because I really was a cool teenager at my core, I just didn’t know it yet)  but I’m even more proud of much I’ve learned and grown. 


I consider myself a Changemaker because I think I need to be a Changemaker for the sake of myself and for the people around me, while at the same time keeping what I can change realistic. Change is necessary, but it takes time, and it happens in little bits here and there. If you’re reading this, you’re almost definitely a Changemaker too. Learning new things and making connections with different people (even through reading someone’s story). These little actions gradually chip away at our pre-existing unhelpful beliefs and form our mindset into something more open and understanding, and when we can show up for other people as an understanding individual, they can do the same for others.


Just by taking care of yourself, and really genuinely listening to your body and needs, you are doing life-changing work every day.

 

 

Support BFRB Changemakers

BFRB Changemakers supports BFRB healing through community. Our mission is 3-fold:

  • raise awareness of debilitating conditions of Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors (BFRBs) such as compulsive hair pulling (trichtotillomania), nail biting (onychophagia), and skin picking (dermatillomania),
  • increase and improve access to care, and
  • advance community recovery.

Through the BFRB Changemakers Training Academy we strive to increase access to care by offering Continuing Education training to new and seasoned mental health treatment professionals.

BFRB Changemakers is a 501c3 non-profit (EIN #93-1544492). Please make a donation to support these efforts!

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